Excerpt
from The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags: Relationship Warning Signs You Totally Spotted . . . But Chose to Ignore
by Natasha Burton, Julie Fishman, and Meagan McCrary
He's a Player
From t-ball to table hockey to fantasy football, men
love to play games. Hard-wired for competition, they can easily fall
into the habit of treating a woman like just another notch in their
headboards. Most often, it's not just about sex, but bragging rights,
too.
But a guy who's slept with a lot of women isn't necessarily a player; if he's sleeping with several of them simultaneously, however, he is. When a man manipulates you into believing you're his one and only when you're actually his one of many, he's officially hit player status. Julie's college roommate was strung along for over a year by a guy who constantly swore that he was going to break up with his girlfriend to be with her, but never actually did, leaving her disappointed and drained.
Falling victim is easier than it sounds because players are smooth
-- after all, they've been practicing since puberty. They know just
what to say and do to make you think you've found your very own Prince
Charming -- which is why it's hard to move on when you begin to
recognize that your guy's more Don Juan than "happily ever after."
The truth is, if he sounds too good to be true, he probably is. This
guy knows all the lines to lay on the charm and all the moves to make
you swoon. It may sound like he's acting from the heart but, really,
he's just acting.
So, keep a lookout for the signals below and have the
self-confidence to move on and find a man who treats you like a
precious gem, not just another rock to kick around.
He tracks his conquests.
If a guy is keeping a running list of the women he's "had," sex is
obviously less about the individual girl and more about his ability to
vanquish territory. We've heard of men keeping sex diaries detailing
every intimate encounter they've had, and while a guy may track this
info in his head, if he writes it down it may mean he anticipates his
list will grow too long for him to remember. His behavior could also
signal a deeper issue -- seeing the number of women he's bedded in
writing could help him reaffirm his masculinity and worth,
characteristics that shouldn't revolve around sex.
He's inflexible with his time.
If planning a date with your dude is more complicated than nuclear
physics and he gives you weekly time slots that he can "fit you into,"
he's probably fitting himself into a myriad of women (if you know what
we mean). If he's inflexible with his time, don't be so flexible with
your legs.
Since a player is experienced in the art of deception, he'll
convince you that his time is limited because he's such a good person
-- hard-working, family-oriented, and loyal. Likewise, common
excuses will be late meetings with a coworker, his younger brother's
soccer games, or dinners with a friend in crisis. When you ask to meet
said coworker, brother, or best friend, you may be able to catch a
wrinkle of worry on his face, but it will quickly fade as he coolly
replies that his coworker is so boring you'd never want to hang with
him, his brother has Asperger's, and his friend just left the country
for a few months. Don't buy his bull.
A man who wants you in his life will not just fit you in, but plan
around you, no matter how busy he is. Even if he's not spending his
time with other women, what's the point of seeing someone if you never
get to actually see them? Sure, if you're in a long-term committed
relationship you may make an exception, but this shouldn't be his M.O.
from the start.
He's too good to be true.
Unlike the cut-to-the-chase fella in the previous chapter, a player
won't lay his carnal intentions out on the table during the first date.
Instead, he'll tell you everything he thinks you, and all women, want
to hear. A too-good-to-be-true player will set you up to fall hard with
lines like "I've never felt this way before," knowing the harder you
fall the less likely you are to get up and walk away. Every time you
grow suspicious, he hopes you'll think back on the romantic things he's
said or done and decide that your gut has just got to be off.
We've got news for you: A woman's intuition is her best defense
against getting played. Don't deny common sense -- you'll just end up
kicking yourself down the road when your gut feeling is confirmed.
When it feels like your relationship with a guy is in fast-forward,
hit pause and re-evaluate the reasons he claims to be so into you. If
he never offers concrete reasons why you're specifically the one, he's
trying to manipulate you into dropping your drawers. Since players are
adept at reading and maneuvering women's emotions, keep yourself in
check: Focus on what you like about him besides his promises of 2.5
beautiful children he'll send to the best private schools.
He's not interested in getting to know you.
While players will talk about the far-off future you supposedly have
together, they usually avoid discovering you in the present. If your
guy's not asking the basic questions, like how many siblings you have
or what hobbies you enjoy, it may be because he's only interested
knowing you in the biblical sense. When you voluntarily offer info,
he'll likely feign concern but then quickly move to the physical. For
example, you tell him you had a bad day and he'll say, "I'm sorry
babe," move in for a kiss, and whisper, "Why don't you let me make it
all better?" And within minutes you're getting busy.
He tells you he's a player.
While this one seems obvious, we've talked to a lot of women
who've ignored this flag because they thought they could "fix" a guy's
wanton ways. The he'll-change-for-me attitude is certainly romantic,
but the odds are not in your favor. Whether he tells you he's a player
directly or hints at it, he's doing it so that he can say he warned you
when you find out he's hooking up with multiple chicks or when he
refuses to let you call him your boyfriend.
Perhaps a player's appeal is not that you want to fix him, but that
he presents a challenge. If it's less about the actual guy and more
about competing with other women, join a softball team -- winning a
plastic trophy will be far more rewarding than winning a guy you don't
really like in the first place.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
While immature men may think that being a player is cool, it's really a
form of misogyny: Players work to establish control over a woman's
emotions in order to manipulate or use her. Even if a guy's debonair
attitude seems to speak otherwise, you'll most likely never be more
than an object to him and your feelings won't factor into the
relationship, leaving you hurt and violated.
Players prey on the most susceptible women -- they sense low
self-esteem and know how to make you feel like you're wanted and loved.
When you realize that's not the case, your self-esteem drops even
lower, creating a dangerous cycle. If you keep ending up in this
situation, it may be time to take a break from dating and work on your
confidence so that you can separate bullshit sweet talk from genuine
conversation and learn to trust your intuition. After all, the best way
to avoid being hurt by players is not to fall for them in the first
place.
An honest man will ask questions about your goals, dreams, and desires
but he typically won't promise to fulfill them before getting to know
you on a deeper level. A guy who focuses on the future, instead of
learning about you in the present, is looking to charm you into the
bedroom, not into his life. Remember, there will always be players, but
you can opt not to play their games.
The above is an excerpt from the book The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags: Relationship Warning Signs You Totally Spotted. . . But Chose to Ignore by Authors Natasha Burton, Julie Fishman, and Meagan McCrary. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.
The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags: Relationship Warning Signs You Totally Spotted . . . But Chose to Ignore (Adams Media, a division of F+W Media; June 2011)