by David Perel and the Editors of the Weekly World News
Idiots Forming National Union
Extraordinary Exclusives on Politics and International Affairs
Weekly World News began covering American politics and U.S. foreign affairs with its own brand of kickass, take-no-prisoners journalism more than two decades ago -- and the world hasn’t been the same since!
While its stodgy competitors dished up only the most yawn-inducing account of each day’s news, WWN’s network of brash, highly skilled reporters has managed to ferret out the ugly, often titillating, truth behind the headlines, sending jittery officials around the globe scurrying for cover.
By exposing the mind-boggling secrets and underhanded shenanigans that world leaders have tried so desperately to conceal, WWN has repeatedly changed the course of human history -- for the better, most would say.
«When Weekly World News revealed in 1994 that 12 U.S. senators were space aliens, the senators readily admitted having extraterrestrial origins. Their cover blown, the politicians from Planet X vowed to work harder than ever to improve conditions on Earth.
«When WWN reported that then-First Lady Hillary Clinton wanted to paint the White House blue to leave her mark on Washington, an outraged public demanded that she settle for painting her toenails and leave the White House . . . .well, white.
«And when the tabloid disclosed that Al Qaeda was secretly implanting bombs in the breasts of buxom lady terrorists to blow American buildings and American citizens to smithereens, Osama Bin Laden’s own followers were so disgusted by the affront to womanhood that they forced the idiot terror chief to back off his ghastly plan.
“Weekly World News has put government big shots everywhere on notice that there will be no more secrets,” one insider said.
“If the President plots to abolish Social Security or the First Lady is having her way with some scrawny little E.T. or Saddam Hussein tries to shrink the penis of every American man or Teddy Kennedy is turning tricks with a Bigfoot hooker, you can bet that Weekly World News will spill the beans every time.
“Public officials have to act with more caution these days because they know Weekly World News is watching them -- and that makes the world a better,
safer place for all of us.”
The newspaper’s unceasing quest for the truth has been fraught with danger, however -- and, on occasion, marred by tragedy.
«In 1989, agents of Cuban kingpin Fidel Castro -- angered over WWN’s revelation that the dingbat dictator was madly in love with TV fatty Roseanne -- burst into the office of the newspaper’s Havana bureau and dragged two hapless reporters into the street. They were never heard from again.
«In 2001, Chinese fighter planes forced the Weekly World News corporate jet to land on a small island in the East China Sea, where Commie airmen held WWN reporters and photographers at gunpoint for six terrifying hours while attempting to dissuade them from opening a news bureau in Taiwan. The Chinese finally allowed the jet to go on its way after reporters regaled them with stories of their adventures around the world.
«In 2004, a correspondent who had slipped into North Korea to report on Kim Jong’s decree that all citizens do the Hokey-Pokey or be executed on the spot choked to death while chewing on a stringy shih tzu leg in a posh Pyongyang restaurant.
The risks have been great -- but WWN’s hit-‘em-where-it-hurts reporting has changed the way the world does business. Its journalists have been so dogged and so dedicated, in fact, that Russian President Vladimir Putin insists that Weekly World News almost single-handedly brought about the collapse of Communism beginning in 1989.
“Communism requires a closed and secret society, and it simply proved impossible to operate in secrecy with Weekly World News badgering our government night and day,” Putin said. “Finally, Communist leaders just threw in the towel and said, `You win.’”
The Most Bizarre Washington Scandal Ever
World's First Bigfoot Hooker Tells All!
By Brett Anniston
The latest Washington sex scandal makes Monicagate look like an innocent game of spin the bottle. At least 46 top politicians -- including Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy -- have reportedly had flings with the world’s first Bigfoot hooker!
And shockingly, the sexy Sasquatch, known only as “Helen,” is about to reveal their names in an upcoming book, The Hairy Hooker Does D.C.
“The Bigfoot’s client list includes many staunch family values advocates,” reveals a Capitol Hill insider. “They know interspecies sex is wrong -- but they find Helen irresistible.”
Husky Helen, who stands over seven feet tall and is covered head to toe in fur, reportedly counts among her satisfied johns 25 congressmen, 14 U.S.
senators, two Supreme Court judges and a Cabinet member.
A shocking picture has surfaced showing her propositioning Clinton and Kennedy as the two Democratic Party heavyweights were waiting at a Washington traffic light in a sleek black limousine. Both Slick Willy and Tubby Ted -- no strangers the occasional walk on the wild side -- seemed interested at first, but both declined Helen’s kinky group sex offer. Other D.C. movers and shakers may not have been so discrete.
“These men counted on the Bigfoot’s discretion,” the insider explains. “They figured that since she only grunts, they could have their kinky fun without
constituents learning their shameful secret.
“Unfortunately, a primate specialist learned to communicate with Helen using sign language -- and he’s coauthored her memoirs.
“Helen’s book names names -- and some of the most powerful men in our nation’s capital are running scared.”
Weekly World News first told readers about Helen in our July 19, 2004 issue. Eyewitnesses in Beasley, Canada, recounted how they saw the lumbering
lady of the evening amble out of the wilderness onto a street corner frequented by prostitutes.
Many working girls fled in terror -- but one enterprising pimp saw a business opportunity.
“Training Helen was easy -- she’s a natural sex worker,” says the Bigfoot’s pimp, Francois. “A few snacks for rewards and she was turning tricks.”
Delighted customers gushed that cuddling with the colossal cutie is like “nestling in a mink coat.”
After our story ran, hundreds of love-starved Americans converged on the remote town seeking “dates” with the unique prostitute and Francois recognized her moneymaking potential.
“I asked myself, ‘Where are the richest, horniest men in America?’” he says. “The answer: Washington.”
The pimp claims that since arriving in D.C. in September, his giant call girl has raked in an average of $5,000 per night.
“Thanks to word of mouth, curious politicians call our hotel nonstop,” boasts Francois. “Once they give Bigfoot sex a whirl, they’re hooked.”
Primatologist Dr. Alan Kingfer embarked on the signing lessons with purely scientific aims.
“Teaching sign language to a Bigfoot presented unique challenges,” he says. “But I can’t deny that these revelations Helen made about politicians are fascinating.”
Among the juicy tidbits exposed in the tell-all:
- One high-level Republican party insider brings hirsute Helen flowers on every visit.
- An ultraconservative broadcaster relishes roleplay games including “Kidnap the Lumberjack” with the Bigfoot beauty.
- The lesbian daughter of one politician paid for a private “pajama party” with the towering temptress.
It might seem inconceivable that the most respected men in America would stoop to whoopee with a Bigfoot.
But sexologist Janice Reevely explains: “Our leaders are under incredible stress from making decisions that affect the fate of the nation. For them, it’s a relief to submit to a powerful female.
“Also, men feel they can be uninhibited around this ‘shebeast.’ Helen brings out the animal in them.”
Are You Kidding?
Experts say your chances of being kidnapped by a Bigfoot and forced to become its love slave are about 1 in 20 million -- less than your chances of being struck by lightning.
Sexy Sasquatch's Torrid 10
Washington -- Helen the Bigfoot hooker has gone so gaga over America’s hunky, hot-to-trot politicians that she’s compiled her own Top 10 list -- of the bigwigs she’d most like to boff.
“Helen’s as giddy as a schoolgirl from all the attention these rich and powerful men have lavished upon her since she arrived in Washington,” said primatologist Dr. Alan Kingfer, who uses sign language to communicate with the fur-ball femme fatale.
“But not everyone here has succumbed to her subtle charms, so she’s drawn up a list of the politicians she’s just dying to do the Bigfoot bop with.
“All I can say is, if any of these folks take her up on her invitation, they’d better be ready to hang on tight -- because there’s a lot of gal under that slinky black dress.”
So here, for the first time, is the Sexy Sasquatch's Torrid 10:
1. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell (“He’s smooth as honey in a stump -- and just as sweet.”)
2. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan (“That silver-tongued devil could talk me right out of my knickers -- if I were wearing any.”)
3. Former presidential candidate and chairman of the DNC Howard Dean (“Did you hear that scream at the Iowa Caucuses?”)
4. U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois (“Two words: Oh, Bama!”)
5. CIA Director Porter Goss (“Such a cutie-pie spy!”)
6. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice (“Makes the hair on my legs stand up!”) Editor's Note: Guess it’s true what they say about lady Bigfoots.
7. Massachusetts Congressman Ed Markey (“Mr. Cool -- and an accent, too.”)
8. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani (“I’ll bet that’s one Big Apple!”)
9. New York Senator Hillary Clinton (“Sorry, Bill -- a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!”)
10. Bat Boy (“I hope he doesn’t bite. I hate biters.”)
The guy hairy-chested Helen would least enjoy rumpling the sheets with? That would be grumpy radio commentator Rush Limbaugh.
“That man’s too much like the boys back home in the woods,” she says, rolling her huge, hazel eyes. “All bark and no branch, if you know what I mean.”
WWN Exclusive Dateline: Jan. 24, 2005
Dick Cheney's Cellulite Nightmare
They say he wears the pants in the White House -- & it’s a good thing!
Bat Boy Led U.S. Troops to Saddam . . . Gotcha!
By Mike Foster/ Correspondent
The U.S. Special Forces troops who captured Saddam Hussein were led to his dingy spider hole by Bat Boy -- who literally sniffed out the filth-covered dictator!
That’s the astonishing revelation of military sources, who say the pintsized mutant will be awarded the Bronze Star for the “vital role” he played in tracking down the fugitive former strongman.
“Bat Boy’s nose is more sensitive than any bloodhound,” confirms a Pentagon insider. “And since Saddam hadn’t bathed for weeks down there, it was a piece of cake for Bat Boy to find him.
“The little guy just sniffed along the ground on his hands and knees, with our soldiers behind him, until he got to that squalid mud hut and started pointing down excitedly.
“That’s when we knew Saddam was under there.”
The U.S. government has steadfastly refused to admit publicly that the mysterious mutant, found by scientists in a West Virginia cave in 1992, has been aiding the military. According to the official version, an unidentified man in Tikrit tipped off troops to Saddam’s whereabouts. But the insider confirms that Bat Boy has been involved in the war effort since last January -- months before the U.S.-led invasion.
“His batlike sonar, ability to see in the dark and other traits make Bat Boy an indispensable tool for the military,” the insider says.
“During the months leading up to Operation Iraqi Freedom, Bat Boy carried out dangerous reconnaissance missions on behalf of the Army. The excellent intelligence he gathered is one of the reasons the Coalition was able to topple Saddam’s regime so easily -- we knew all the enemy’s weaknesses.”
The 5-foot-tall, pointy eared creature also conducted sabotage -- destroying chemical weapons that Saddam had planned to use on Coalition troops.
“He became a real thorn in Saddam’s side,” reveals the insider. “Many of Saddam’s frazzled troops believed Bat Boy was a bat-winged demon of Arabic legend named Pazuzu.”
Bat Boy was rotated home after the end of major combat in May. But when the search for Saddam dragged on fruitlessly, generals summoned the bizarre creature back to Iraq.
“All Bat Boy was given were a pair of smelly old riding boots of Saddam’s,” the insider discloses. “He took one good whiff and that enabled him to follow the trail from Baghdad all the way to Tikrit.”
When troops pulled the cover off the hole where Saddam was hiding, one source says, “Bat Boy caught a strong whiff, I guess, because he reacted like a dog smelling a juicy steak. He had to be held back while a couple of guys went down the hole.”
At first Saddam didn’t realize Bat Boy was outside, says the source, who notes that troops were ordered not to reveal Bat Boy’s involvement.
The Butcher of Baghdad calmly told his captors, “My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq and I want to negotiate.”
When he heard that, Bat Boy could be restrained no longer. He jumped into the hole, and when Saddam saw him, the defeated dictator “just lost it,” according to the eyewitness.
“Saddam started screaming hysterically in Arabic, ‘Pazuzu, Pazuzu! Keep that filthy thing away from me.’ He begged for us to protect him.”
The run-in with Bat Boy may explain why Saddam seemed so docile when filmed undergoing a medical check at the hands of his U.S. captors.
“Saddam’s mind is shot,” says the insider.
President Bush reportedly will award Bat Boy the Bronze Star in a special White House ceremony later this year.
But don’t expect the little hero to rest on his laurels after bagging one of history’s most evil men. White House sources say the president is so delighted with Bat Boy’s success, he’s ordered the patriotic freak to be dispatched to locate another fugitive fiend: Osama Bin Laden.
“Bat Boy has already received the go ahead -- and a red turban once worn by Osama,” confirms a senior administration official.
Saddam Beard Gunk to be Auctioned On-line
The most coveted souvenir of Operation Iraqi Freedom can now be yours. Lice and dandruff flakes extracted from Saddam Hussein during his televised medical check are about to be auctioned on-line!
The material was saved by a savvy, unidentified individual after the deposed dictator’s dramatic capture and now it’s up for grabs.
The disgusting beard gunk has been divided into 25 thimble-size parcels -- each guaranteed to contain “at least one live louse.”
And while you might not touch the stuff with a 10-foot pole, there are plenty of avid collectors out there who can’t wait for a chance to bid on it, experts say.
“I would estimate that the Saddam beard refuse will fetch anywhere between $400,000 and $1.2 million per parcel,” declares collectibles expert Brian Halman of London.
“Love him or hate him, Saddam is a figure of monumental historical importance and anything associated with him has value to a collector.”
Stalin’s mustache sold at auction for $49,000 in 1968, the expert says.
-- & Then There Was One
. . . Will a grieving Osama turn himself in for the sake of the shaved ape baby?
Copyright © 2005 David Perel and the Editors of the Weekly World News