Excerpt
from When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror
by Carol Leifer
40 Things I Know at 50 (Because 50 Is the
New 40)
The
people who frequent nude beaches are never the people you want to see
naked.
Making
love to a woman is like buying real estate -- "Location, location,
location!"
Never
buy expensive thong underwear. One trip through the dryer and it's a
frilly bookmark.
Never
put your baby's length on a birth announcement. It's a baby, not a
marlin.
If you
see a woman with a big belly, never ask if she's pregnant or when she's
due. Trust me.
If you
have a garage sale at your house, don't be afraid to put anything and
everything out. (I once sold half a bottle of Listerine.)
Never eat
pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure.
When someone
says, "To make a long story short," they're already too late.
When a waiter
asks you to taste the wine and you're clueless, sip it and then say,
"Yeah, that should get me hammered."
Badly cut
bangs do always grow back.
A great birthday gift for a woman you don't like who's about to
turn forty? Magnifying mirror.
Best job for a
woman? Judge. She gets to wear a big black weight-hiding muumuu all day.
Worst job for
a woman? Naval recruit. How anyone would have the courage to wear white
pants all year is beyond me.
When someone
starts a sentence with "No offense . . . ," you can bet they are about
to say something incredibly offensive. (Same goes for "Nothing personal
. . ." and "Can I give you some constructive criticism?")
Tequila should
always be sold with an instant camera attached to it so the next day
you have some idea of what happened.
Five-minute
drum solos are always four and a half minutes too long.
The phrase
"good toupee" is an oxymoron.
I believe that
we can take the word "morbidly" out of the phrase "morbidly obese." It
seems mean and gratuitous, like calling someone stroke-inducingly plain.
Worst question
to ask an elderly person? "How are you feeling?" You'll be there for
days. (Second worst question? "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?")
Someone named
Adolph has a hard time dating.
When a
salesperson in a clothing store tells you that you look great in
something, always remember that they work on commission.
The sunny side
of the street is the one with the threat of skin cancer on it.
Never wear
high heels to an event if you're going to be outside on a lawn.
If your thighs
make noise while wearing corduroy pants, you need to lose some weight.
If you can tie
a cherry stem with your tongue, you are really good at sex.
A witch's tit
is not colder than anyone else's tit.
When your
husband suggests experimenting sexually with multiple "inputs,"
politely remind him that you are a woman and not a surge protector.
Never
refer to a woman as "ma'am," even if she's ninety years old. No one
likes it.
You may not
rationalize eating an entire pint of ice cream by claiming it was for
the calcium.
Never eat at a
restaurant that charges for bread.
No one looks
good eating a burrito. Not even a porn actress.
A fly in an
airplane is very lost.
Men recuperate
from the death of a spouse much sooner than women do.
When you offer
someone a mint, they will invariably ask, "Why, do I need one?"
Never buy
Sweet'N Low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket. That's what
restaurants are for.
If you plan on
having your lover's name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before
it for a possible "I Hate" down the road.
Why do men
have nipples? What's the point? They're like plastic fruit.
Professional
bodybuilders look like walking challahs.
Never complain
about your age to someone older than you.
Director
Norman Jewison is ironically not Jewish.
The above is an excerpt from the book When You
Lie About
Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror
by Carol Leifer. The above excerpt is a
digitally scanned
reproduction of
text from print. Although this
excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the
scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.
Excerpted
from When
You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win by Carol Leifer. (c) 2009 by Carol
Leifer. Reprinted by arrangement with The Random
House Publishing Group.
