About Jonathan Selwood
Jonathan Selwood -- evil incarnate or poseur
extraordinaire?
I was born in Hollywood, California. In other words, the first time I played doctor as a kid was on a neighbor's circular fur-covered waterbed with a mirror on the ceiling. The girl's parents and two younger siblings were busy out by the pool hosting a nude cocaine party.
My own parents, in contrast, were from back east, and did not partake in nude cocaine parties. I was thus instilled from a young age with a strong New England-style Puritan ethic, while at the same time being raised in what is arguably the most depraved and wantonly hedonistic neighborhood in the world. When I finally graduated high school and left to attend college in Vermont, I was completely ill-prepared for the relative lack of debauchery (i.e., the nude parties had no cocaine, and the cocaine parties had no nudity).
After college, I moved down to Chiapas, Mexico, and tried my best to write on the cheap. It lasted about four months. Then I moved to New York City and tried my best to write on the expensive. It lasted about five years. Eventually I moved to Portland, Oregon, in search of a happy medium.
Portland's been pretty good to me so far, but I must admit that in the dead of a rainy winter, I'm still inclined to wax nostalgic for those carefree sunny southern California days, and the nude cocaine parties of my youth.
Age: 27 (give or take any number of years)
Height: 4 foot 8 inches (seated)
Weight: Enough to throw around
Politics: Lapsed Anarchist
Religion: Evangelical Absurdist
Sport: Shot put
Hobbies: Talking very loudly when intoxicated, composting kitchen scraps, excessively rolling my R's when ordering burrrrrritos . . . using ellipses . . .
Favorite Movie: Without bourbon, Lost in Translation. With bourbon, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Favorite Album: El Poder de New York by Oro Solido
Worst Job: HMO medical equipment denial guy (i.e., "I realize your son has no legs, sir, but I'm afraid his insurance plan doesn't cover wheelchairs. Have you considered duct-taping him to some sort of a skateboard?")
Best Job: Writer
Strangest Job: Bouncer at a bar in Chiapas, Mexico. Despite growing up in Los Angeles, my knowledge of Mexican slang is limited at best. I often resorted to waving a baseball bat in the air and screaming things like, "I throw feces at your slatternly granddaughter's chicken tamales, you obese pubic hair!"
Best Drink I Ever Invented: The Eyeball. (Two ounces Everclear, two ounces water, ice, and three dashes Angostura bitters. Why yes, it is strong . . .)
Worst Drink I Ever Invented: The Exxon Valdez. (Two ounces Kahlua, two ounces Jagermeister. Garnish with an anchovy.)
For more information, view Jonathan Selwood's Web site.