FSB Author Article
Refuse to Choose!
A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything
That You Love
By Barbara Sher
Published by Rodale
March 2006;$24.95US/$33.95CAN; 1-59486-303-2
Q: What Should You Do When You Want To Do Everything?
A: Everything!
You know people like this: smart, curious, devouring every new project or experience -- and unable to decide, once and for all, on a single direction for their lives. Despite their passionate engagement with the world, they fear something is horribly wrong with them. Either they dread being labeled a dilettante -- shallow, lazy, eccentric -- or people in their lives have told them to "grow up" or "make up your mind."
You might even be one of these people yourself.
Perhaps you worry you'll never find the One Right Thing that will allow you to quit searching and settle down. But how can you choose one field? No matter how promising a path may appear, you could never give up your love of exploring. You're stuck in a deadlock and getting nowhere.
That kind of thinking is finished. You now have a name and a plan of action.
Beloved New York Times best-selling author Barbara Sher calls people with your type of unique mind "Scanners" -- rather than diving into a single interest, you scan the horizon, eager to explore everything you see. In this groundbreaking book, you'll not only learn about this exceptional (and misunderstood) Scanner mindset, but Barbara will also share her powerful, step-by-step program to shake off the negative labels, fulfill your great potential, and deliver on all of your distinctive talents, no matter how many interests you have.
Read a chapter or two and it will become very clear: There's nothing wrong with you at all. You're a different kind of thinker and need a different roadmap. You can only achieve your best if you do everything you love. By the time you finish the book, you'll know exactly what steps to take to have the rich, creative life you're capable of. With delightful wit and searing insight, Sher clearly shows that a Scanner's best choice is to ignore convention that forces her to pick and specialize. To truly be happy, she says, you must REFUSE TO CHOOSE!
Author
Barbara Sher is a speaker, career/lifestyle coach, and the
best-selling author of eight books on goal achievement. Her books have
sold millions of copies and been translated into dozens of languages.
She has appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, 60 Minutes, CNN,
and Good Morning America, and her popular public
television specials air nationally throughout the year. Barbara has
taught her revolutionary systems in universities, in Fortune 100
companies, and at professional conferences all over the world.
Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book Refuse to Choose!
by Barbara Sher
Published by Rodale; March
2006;$24.95US/$33.95CAN; 1-59486-303-2
Copyright © 2006 Barbara Sher
The top obstacles for panicked Scanners
When you hear the clock ticking but you just can't get into action, what's the reason?
1. You fear critics. You feel watched, so you're trying to be perfect. Whatever you do never seems good enough, so you drop it and try something else, but you feel like you're wasting precious time.
2. You've created a "See, it's impossible!" list. Your list of what you want to do has everything on it but "eat breakfast" and "scratch my head." It covers many pages and proves that you'll never get to do what you really want.
3. You've inadvertently made the project too big. You've assumed you'll need a business plan and two PhDs, to say nothing of a huge loan from the bank and 36 hours a day to do all the marketing, selling, bookkeeping, production, publishing, and wall painting that will be necessary -- all of which you'll have to do on your own.
4. You don't feel entitled to just do whatever you want. You think you don't have the right to do what makes you happy. You should be thinking of other people, not just yourself
5. You think you're the problem. You don't have what it takes or you're not really trying. Or something.
6. You're pulled in too many directions. It's impossible to decide which one to take. You're desperately searching for a sign that will at least tell you which one to start with.
If you're nodding your head as you read that list, you've been feeding your sense of panic like dry timber feeds a fire. Let's see if we can get rid of those obstacles one by one and get you into action.
1. Perfectionists need to admit the source of their conflict. Too many Scanners say, "I'm my own worst enemy." Be honest. You're not working for your own high standards; you're working for someone's approval. It could be your parents, your high school English teacher, your boss -- even your nosy neighbor. It could very well be a voice from your past. Wherever you find a perfectionist, a critic is not far away. But you can waste a perfectly good life trying to meet the standards of someone who thinks you're not good enough because they can't understand who you are. I have some tips in later chapters that will help you handle this kind of problem, but for now, just know what's really behind the paralysis caused by perfectionism.
2. You need to cross some things off your "See, it's impossible!" list. You might not know it, but you're trying to prove you can't do everything you want. If your list is really long, check to see if you've added on extra things to prove how hopeless it is and justify your despair -- and continue to stay immobile. One man at a workshop said, "I'll never be able to do all the things I want to do. I want to swim and run, too. And play my guitar. But I also want to learn a language, and I'm fascinated by botany, and I have to earn a living, too."
But many people do all those things and more, and they would never think to put them on a list. Your impossible list is saying something else -- something like "I'll never get a chance to do what I love; it's hopeless."
3. You can shrink the size of your project to fit reality by keeping only the parts you love the most. When we think about what we want to do, we often make the project so big it really is next to impossible. If you've done that, cut it down until you have only the elements you love best and try to find a way to do this new, smaller version. If it still includes the heart of the dream, you can do it with complete satisfaction.
Cyndy wants (among many other things) to relearn her rusty biblical Greek so she can translate a book into English. But she doesn't have time, and the project is huge. Some people could spend a decade on such a project.
How can she make the dream less of a major production? The heart of her dream was the pleasure of turning out a good piece of work for her church. We found that she can sit down with one important passage and her dictionary and in 1 or 2 weeks turn out an inspiring piece for her church newsletter -- and she can start right now.
4. Doing what you love isn't a privilege; it's an obligation. Isn't it selfish to do what you love? You might think that it's okay to have a hobby, but if you're a Scanner you want more than that: You want to play an instrument, go to mediation classes, take a holiday in Denmark and another one in Ireland, learn tap dancing, and more! Is that allowed?
Well, if you do these things in place of having a job -- if you've burdened someone else with taking care of you and you don't pull your own weight or fulfill your legitimate obligations -- the answer is no, it isn't allowed. But if you were that irresponsible, I doubt you'd be looking for permission in the first place. More to the point, by denying yourself the right to do what makes you happy, you may be depriving others of a shot at their happiness; and that's not allowed.
If you're pulling your own weight, you're actually being selfish by not doing what makes you happy. The things that fascinate you exist because of some talent you were born with. You have the eyes to see what many people miss. That's how talent affects all of us. And you owe it to all of us to use your talents.
5. You'd do everything "right" if you could. "If I could stick with something, all this mess would go away. If I weren't afraid of failing, I'd be okay by now. If I'd just quit hesitating and spring into action, my problems would be solved." But don't you understand that if you could do those things, you would have?
Even if you don't agree, that kind of reasoning goes nowhere and fixes nothing, and it's pointless to think about it. Believing those myths can hurt you. Write these words on a piece of paper and put it up on your bathroom mirror so you see it every time you brush your teeth:
Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart.
Those are the words of Kirpal Venanji, a Hindu monk. And you know he's right.
But how can you let go of all the criticism and move on? It's a good question. Here's a trick that will actually work:
Go ahead and fail.
Yes, that's what I said. And I'm not kidding.
When I was in high school, someone wrote in chalk on the sidewalk "Flunk Now! Avoid the Push! " We tried hard to avoid flunking back then, but flunking might not be a bad idea for now, believe it or not. After all, you're stuck in your tracks and you're not moving anyway. What do you have to lose?
Don't take big risks or burn any bridges, but do whatever you want, and if it fails, so what? Sometimes the best cure for stress is failure! Write that book or try to create a new Pet Rock, and let it bomb. If you don't get into action, you've failed anyway. And we're all much too afraid of failure.
Here's how to fail: Pick any project (you might as well pick the toughest one and leave the easy ones for another time, when you're in the mood to succeed). Then all you have to do is simply refuse to give the project your best effort. If you like, you can work hard at first, but when the time comes for a final burst of speed, just don't do it.
And when you've failed and your critics are watching -- oh, how I wish you'd really do this -- flaunt it. March up to the dinner table and say with a face full of joy, "I totally fell on my face. What a loser I am!"
Go into details until you can see they wish you'd be quiet -- and be sure to look happier than you've ever looked in your life. Your critics will mumble that you're crazy, but you'll take all their ammunition away. If they fire a few more rounds of criticism at you, agree enthusiastically and start flaunting your failure all over again. Done right, it's a real eye-opener. And it's fun. It might even make you unafraid to fail ever again!
6. It doesn't make the slightest difference where you begin. Once you quit worrying about being judged, you can choose the closest goal, or the easiest or the prettiest or any other goal, to start with. You can do a few of them at once, if that's your best way of working. It doesn't matter. You're going to do them all, anyway.
How? By using the panicked Scanner's best friend; something so obvious you might blush when I remind you of it. It's called a Calendar.
Reprinted from: Refuse to Choose! A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything That You Love by Barbara Sher © 2006 Rodale Inc. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com.