FSB Author Article
Breaking the Curse
of the Good Girl: 5 Ways Moms Can Help Girls Be Themselves
By Rachel Simmons,
Author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising
Authentic
Girls with Courage and Confidence
1. Get in touch with your inner Goof
Girls of all ages say they're most in
touch with their true selves when they're being silly, crazy, loud,
or goofy. By late elementary school, your daughter is likely to hear
peers deem silliness "lame" or "immature;" these girls
perceive that acting older will make them cooler. When girls shut
down silliness, they restrain themselves physically. They begin
disconnecting from who they are in order to try to be something
they're not. Step in to fill the void and keep silliness alive.
Whether it's singing in the car at the top of your lungs, dancing
like no one's watching in the kitchen, or making ridiculous faces
and noises, just do it: let go of the "be perfect" rules and dork
out together. There is no more powerful antidote to the pressure to
be perfect than a Mom who can burp the alphabet.
2. Say no and speak up
Your daughter lives in a world that
tells her Good Girls are nice 24/7, no exceptions. In a peer culture
that avoids conflict, girls don't get permission or learn skills to
say no. These are crucial muscles you want your daughter to have: the
ability not just to know what she's feeling, but to act on it.
Think about the last time your daughter heard you speak up and
challenge something or someone. Show her how it's done: assertively
and with respect. Warning: expect embarrassment. I used to want to
throw myself under a bus when my mom sent cold French fries back to a
restaurant kitchen for re-heating. Fifteen years later, I sent them
back myself -- and thanked my Mom for the permission she gave me.
3. Get comfortable with your limits
Good Girls are expected to be flawless:
not a hair out of place or math problem wrong. All that pressure can
make a girl terrified of mistakes. The next time you screw up, gauge
your reaction and consider the example it sets. Find your sense of
humor if you can. Barring that, avoid labeling yourself in front of
her ("I'm such an idiot") or making sweeping predictive
statements ("I'll never get this right"). Point out the silver
lining of your mistakes (there's always at least one). Show her
errors aren't the end of the world. Bonus point: Take healthy risks
with or in front of her. Anxious about that first spinning class?
Worried about that next leap at work? Take it, and tell her about
your nerves. Even if it doesn't pan out, she is watching a mother
who's willing to fail. No one makes it big by playing it safe, and
your example will give her permission to take the risks that yield
the most exhilarating rewards.
4. Be a little selfish
The Perfect Mom culture is suffocating.
It suggests truly good mothers put everyone's needs before their
own. But the rules of being a Perfect Mom are directly at odds with
the example most women want to set for their daughters. Laurie's 12
year old confronted her. "Mom," she said, "Why don't you go
to that dance class you want to take? All you do is take care of us."
Laurie was horrified. "What kind of example was I setting? That my
life is all about everyone else?" She made it a point to take the
class -- even if it meant not being there to drive every carpool
shift or help with homework. Letting your children down isn't easy,
but the long-term, big picture message they get is: I've got a
mother who takes care of herself and leads a balanced life. In other
words, one of the best gifts you can give your daughter is to take
something for yourself.
5. Share Your Feelings
Myth: Just because girls have lots of
feelings means they're really good at knowing and expressing them.
Truth: Not only do girls often struggle to know what they're
feeling; many describe feelings as nuisances that make you look lame
or weak, just like boys! Girls who communicate their feelings let
others know what they need and are less likely to lose control over
their behavior. What you can do: use emotion words in front of your
daughter to model your comfort and build her own emotional
vocabulary. Say how you're feeling (remembering to leave out the
stuff daughters shouldn't hear, like "I am feeling really angry
at your father"). Ask her how she's feeling. Instead of asking, "How
was your day?" try "How are you feeling?" If she says "Fine," say,
"Fine-happy? Fine-worried? Fine-excited?"
Knowing and saying how you feel is a powerful channel to our true
selves, not to mention successful relationships.