FSB Author Article
Redirecting Behavior
• Try using distraction if your child is into something she shouldn’t be. Try a different stimulus. “Sweetheart, those wires might be dangerous. Let’s play with this car and truck instead. Thank you.”
• Try not to use shame or fear as tools of discipline or punishment. And when you do have a problem situation, your goal should be to set limits on the behavior, not to attack the baby’s sense of self. In other words, “I love you very much, but you may not climb on that shelf,” is a much more productive way of establishing limits than saying, “You are sure a troublemaker, why can’t you keep you hands off my things!”
• Use praise, minimize criticism. Praise reinforces good behavior much more effectively than criticism stops bad behavior. A child naturally enjoys being good. Seeing an approving glint in a parent’s eye is like oxygen to a child. When you use shame, it immediately introduces distress, which can easily result in sullenness, anger, rage, and depression.
• Keep the focus on the misdeed or action and not the baby’s interest or sense of self: “I love you, but I’m not happy with this behavior.” As a parent you will have a much happier child and much more peaceful home life if you focus on a child’s positive attributes and how the mistake might not be repeated. For example, you can train your child not to make a mess with food without evoking shame. “Oh, that is pretty great looking, isn’t it? But honey, it is really for you to eat. It belongs in your mouth, not on the floor. Please don’t do that. Here’s some more milk, keep the cup in your hand please! Milk doesn’t belong on the floor! If you want to play with liquids, we can go to the bathtub after you eat.” Then you can gently squeeze the baby’s hand around the cup and move it toward his mouth. The child won’t learn immediately, but that’s only natural. If you terrorize the child or make the child feel intense shame, you may get immediate compliance, but the price you exact is too high for such an unimportant result. Kids and messes go together, and when you harshly repress that impulse you risk constricting exploratory learning activities and turning your baby into a sullen, frightened child.
Copyright ©2005 Paul C. Holinger, M.D.