FSB Author Article
Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book Men, Love
& Sex
by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker
Published by Rodale; September
2006;$22.95US/$28.95CAN; 1-59486-552-3
Copyright © 2006 David Zinczenko
Why Does Our Sex Life Run Hot and
Cold?
Our lovemaking begins the moment we open our eyes in
the morning. Once you're attuned to his simple love signs, you'll know
how to maximize the romance
-- in and out of bed.
Question: Guys, what's the most important thing in
a relationship?
Friendship:....................................................................62
Percent
Similar life goals and dreams:......................................31
Percent
Sex:..................................................................................8
Percent
Straight up. Some men want nothing more than 20 minutes of wake-the-subdivision sex (okay, it's more like 3½ minutes, but who's counting?), and some of us will go through all the lovey-dovey motions it takes to get it. But those guys are about as representative of American men as Tara Reid is of American women. Yes, some of us are as shallow as a reflecting pool. But most of us are thinking bigger -- and more romantic -- thoughts.
There are certainly times when men are looking for nothing more than a fast woman and a faster getaway car. But the men in our survey made two things very clear: Yes, they love sex. And no, it's not how they define the success of a relationship. In fact, 63 percent of men say that a woman who sleeps with them on the first date probably won't be the woman they marry, and more than half of men say that sex without an emotional relationship isn't even possible for them. What's more revealing is that men are even a little put out that they're stereotyped as heavy-breathing, penis-swinging heathens whose lives revolve around finding the next territory to explore. To many men, sex only represents one (very sweet) slice of the relationship pie
- "Women need to understand our need for affection," says Keith, 26, a radio-show producer in Nevada. "It's about acceptance, reward, relief, and love as much as anything else. It's just that we need [physical affection] up front to feel loved and wanted."
- "We are no different than women in what we want. We are looking for that one person who will make us and keep us happy for the long run," says Bob, 33, an IT manager. "We're looking for women who will be the same person while they're married as they are when they're dating."
- "I think that women mostly don't understand that relationships can be -- and often are -- just as emotionally binding for men as they are for women," says Todd, 27.
- "We think about sex a whole lot, but we care more about women more than we care about sex," says Reed, 37.
- "I love a woman who is very sensual. A woman unafraid of telling me what she's thinking is the girl for me," says Jerry, 32.
Now, take a look at the story of Richard, who's a 31-year-old architect in Texas. When he was in his twenties, he was seeing a woman for a little less than a year. They had what he says was the most unbelievable sex of his life. "I mean, incredible," he says. "There's nothing this woman wouldn't do. It was like every time we had sex, she'd try to one-up herself. Then some nights, she'd just lean over, and ask me what I wanted -- like she was some kind of waitress and I could order up anything from her menu. If I was tired, I could just say that I wanted oral, and bingo, that's what I got."
Richard says it was a good relationship, but they had more problems than a decade-old hard drive. For one, he felt that they were at different places in their careers and lives. Besides partying with friends, they disagreed on how to spend weekends (he enjoyed being outside, she didn't). And, deep down, he never really trusted her, because he once suspected that she strayed, though he never had proof. "One night, when she mentioned something about how she liked my parents so much that they'd make great in-laws, it hit me that I didn't see myself having a family with her," he says. "We ended up breaking up a few weeks later. The sex was unbelievable, but it was hardly worth staying in the relationship."
Maybe it took Richard too much time to realize it, and maybe his make-your-own-omelet sex life clouded him into thinking that his long-term relationship would ultimately work. Of course, there's a part of most men that wants tabloid-worthy sexual escapades, but the reality is that men -- even though we love, crave, and sometimes can't get enough sex -- aren't as superficial as a paper cut. We bleed a lot deeper than you think.
Do Guys Use Romance to Get Sexual Favors?
A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend said he wanted to plan this big, special night for us. No reason, just that he felt like going out and doing something fun. So he did -- he went all out. Nice restaurant, then a fun little show at a small theater, then he took me dancing (which he never does). He even gave me a card and wrote why he loves me. I, of course, was especially turned on so we had some pretty high-quality sex that night. But as soon as he finished, he kinda flopped over and fell asleep. And then the next day it was back to our normal routine. I know the lengths guys go to for sex, but as nice as the night was, it was almost as if it was one big get-me-horny sham. Am I reading that right?
Well, not exactly. Think of guys as machines with two separate gas tanks. One's the sexual, physiological one. And you know how that one works: we can use it once and then we (at least those of us who aren't Colin Farrell) have to wait a little while before we can go to the reserves to use it again. In a lot of ways, we have a romantic gas tank that works the same way. We can use it, but it takes a little while before we have the energy to use it again.
See, men want to be romantic heroes -- and we'd happily be your Romeos even if we knew it wouldn't result in sex. Just like the famous rock band that jams itself into a tiny club for a gig, we love the tangible rewards of what we do, but we also enjoy doing it just for kicks. It's the satisfaction of pulling off a sensational romantic performance that turns us on.
That said, we don't always have the time, energy, or creativity to sweep you off your feet time and again. "It's not that I don't want to be romantic all the time," says Jay, 33, a pharmaceutical sales rep who's been in a relationship for a year. "But sometimes it feels like it takes a lot of energy to pull off the kind of romance she wants." Kenny, 24, adds: ''I'm romantic and sappy. It's just hard to show sometimes." There are times when we do have the time, energy, and wherewithal to blow your mind with our expressions of love, just as there are times when you blow our minds with your expressions of sexual passion. But one doesn't depend on the other. Sometimes he just wants to be romantic. Just like sometimes you just want some sex.
Will Giving a Guy Sex Get me the Affection I Want?
I don't get it. I know -- especially after dishing around with my friends -- that I'm about as sexually aggressive as it gets. I wear sexy clothes, try new things, love having sex, and can treat a man's body right. But here's the deal: Over the past two years, I haven't had a relationship last more than four or five months. I like to think I'm also smart and funny and fun to be around, so I don't know what's going on. Any thoughts?
If I have to hear one more Bachelor contestant say the word connection when she's vying for a rose, I'm going to roll around in the thorns. But that word resonates because it has meaning to men: The truth is that a man defines connection not only by the sparks that fly when lips connect, but also the sparks that fly when words come out of them. "Men aren't only absorbed in sex," says Matthew, 31, a physician's assistant in California. "Anyone can have sex with me. We, or I, want a woman with brains, a sense of humor, talents, responsibility, and maturity -- more or less the same traits that they look for in a guy." I can't speak for what happened with you and your previous boyfriends, but I can tell you that good sex makes good relationships great. The only thing that good sex does to bad relationships is make them last a little longer than they probably should.
Why do Guys Bed us and Bolt?
The last guy I dated did everything right. He took me out, complimented me without coming off like a used-car salesman, called when he said he would, and we had great conversations. After three dates, we had sex, but then it was all downhill. We went out again, but he said it didn't "feel right." I know all guys aren't like that -- because I'm dating a great one right now -- but still, I hate feeling like guys are only after some pillow time. How do I know if a man is interested in me -- or just in getting me into bed?
There's clearly a segment of men who play the role of sexual comic-book villain. By day, he's disguised as a romantic, loving, chivalrous man who will do anything for you; by night, he slips out of his street clothes and into the guise of his alter-ego, The Diddler. And when he puts his clothes back on, presto, he's gone.
But you know what? That guy's the aberration -- the one who's giving the rest of us a bad name. Most men truly want relationships to work out. "I'm 33, and I've dated a lot of women," says Dwayne, a book editor in New York. "If I'm not seeing someone, I go on at least one or two dates every week, and I can honestly say that I go into most of the dates -- not all of them -- with the thought, or maybe it's hope, that it'll work into something more than just a couple glasses of wine and a plate of pasta." While it may be difficult to know a potential date's real intentions, I think you can find out a lot about him by exploring the women he used to date. Sometimes, you can use his past relationships to find out his intentions for the future. If he's coming right off a long relationship (or has more than two shirt buttons unbuttoned), it's a sign that he's likely more interested in one-time action than meaningful interaction.
Masculinity Mastered: What You Now Know about Men
- Great sex, over the long term, doesn't mean much if the rest of the relationship is mediocre.
- We're as in tune to how you treat us out of bed as we are in tune to how you treat us in it.
- Sex shouldn't be used as a relationship seatbelt. You can keep him trapped in a relationship by using your body, but if he's not satisfied with your mind, your personality, and everything else, he will eventually find a way to unbuckle.
Reprinted from: Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker © 2006 David Zinczenko. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling at (800) 848-4735.