FSB Author Article
The
Art of Parenting Non-Conforming Kids: Six Ways to Teach Your Kids to
Live Fearless, Authentic, and Wildly Successful Lives
By Robin Fisher-Roffer,
Author of The Fearless Fish Out of Water: How To Succeed When
You're The Only One Like You
Parents take note: We're living in a time when being "different"
actually pays off.
Here's how to nurture individuality in the formative years.
Few jobs are more daunting than raising well-rounded, happy, confident
kids. On one hand, you adore what makes your child unique: your
daughter's all-consuming love of science (she's bordering on nerdy!) or
your son's quiet disposition and curious spirit. On the other, you
worry that being too "different" -- too shy, too short, too tomboyish
(or, in the case of boys, too sensitive), too anything
-- is a sure path to unpopularity and isolation. What's a
conflicted
parent to do? Urge your child to succeed within socially prescribed
boundaries? Or let him or her break the (unspoken) rules and risk being
labeled "weird"?
First, stop fretting. Your hand-wringing desire for your child to "fit
in" is surely borne of love, but it's also misguided for an age in
which diversity is celebrated. Even if your child does face a few bumps
in the road, learning to be herself (or himself) will pay off in the
long run.
Kids who are confident in themselves, their background, and their
unique way of thinking, looking, or acting are more likely to succeed,
not in spite of their differences, but because of them. The benefits of
being a bold individual just keep on unfolding as your kids reach
adulthood -- especially these days.
We are living in an era that celebrates uniqueness -- not for its own
sake but for the tangible benefits it yields throughout life. There has
never been a better time to be yourself. Embracing and nurturing your
inner "fearless fish" brings far richer rewards than conformity ever
could.
Your unusual personality, outlook, appearance, or background -- really,
any attribute that sets you apart -- is not a liability but an asset.
Being different gets you noticed, whether it's in the office, at
school, or at home with your own family, and that is the first step to
gaining influence with those around you.
When you refuse to hide or downplay your uniqueness, it makes you more
authentic -- and people gravitate toward those they like, trust, and
believe in. Take Barack Obama, for example. His entire campaign
celebrated his differences and used change as a cornerstone for his
message. Today, he's the President of the United States because voters
saw that he was authentic and true to himself, and they were drawn to
him.
Today's kids are growing up in a time of exhilarating change, an era in
which they face more opportunities (and yes, more challenges) than any
group before them. Read on to learn how to help them navigate the road
before them by being a fearless fish out of water (just like you!):
Be a truly fearless leader.
One of the most effective ways of teaching our kids is to lead by
example. Our children look up to us and mimic the behaviors they see in
their parents each day. If they see a person who is comfortable in her
own skin, who dares to go against the flow, and most importantly, who
is happy, they will learn to do the same for themselves. If
this doesn't describe you, well, it's time to take a look in the mirror.
Your children are watching you, and usually when you least expect it.
If you are an authentic person and you live your own life as a fearless
fish, your kids will see that and it will serve as a powerful lesson
for the people they will become. Make sure to be who you are wherever
you go -- at work, at home, at your children's school -- and when they
see the confidence you exhume and the respect you command, they will
follow your lead.
Help your kids to fit in the right way.
It's only natural for kids (of any age) to want to be like their peers
-- and that's okay. The compromise to this scenario is to encourage
your kids to associate with kids who are more like them. That way, they
can feel accepted and part of a group while being themselves. Encourage
your kids to join clubs or local groups that cater to their
personalities and interests.
If your son is a music whiz, sign him up for a local music class so he
can make friends with other kids who share his talent and passion. Or
encourage your daughter to join the science club or debate team at
school, depending on her interests. Find a place where your kids can
still fit in and feel like part of the group, while at the same time
fostering their individuality and unique talents.
Foster and encourage your child's unique gifts.
Nobody knows your child as well as you do, which puts you in the
perfect position to identify those qualities that will make him stand
out from the crowd and pave the way to a successful future. Take a cue
from Tiger Woods' father. When he noticed that his child was a budding
golf prodigy, he saw the opportunity and ignored the odds stacked
against a young, bi-racial golfer in a sport dominated by older white
men. We all know how his story ended.
Every parent has a child who is an individual, who is unlike anybody
else on this planet. You have known this person from his first minute
in the world, and you know what makes him special. At a young age,
children aren't in a position to leverage themselves in the real world
like adults can -- and this is where you are their biggest asset. If
you know why your kid is unique, don't just gush about it around the
water cooler -- get your child involved in ways that will benefit him
now and well into the future.
Teach him to use his differences to make a difference. Kids
who learn to give back at an early age are that much more likely to do
so well into their adult lives. Getting involved is a great life
lesson, and a great way for you to spend time together as a family. Let
your child pick a cause that he cares about, and then help him to use
his differences to make a difference in the lives of others.
If your child is a star athlete, teach him to use his sports star
status to raise money for a charity. You can ask the team's sponsor to
help, or have fans donate $1 per goal to be donated to a good cause. Or
does your daughter have a way with animals that reminds you of the dog
whisperer? Sign up to be volunteers at the local animal shelter.
Working together on a common cause can have only positive results. You
get to spend time as a family and you get to help out the community --
all while teaching your future fearless fish an important life skill!
Let her change her mind. Nobody
wants to raise a quitter, and sometimes that can mean we force our kids
to stick with activities and hobbies that may not be right for who they
are growing up to be. If Sally LOVED horseback riding last month, but
this week she will absolutely die
if she doesn't get to join the local 4-H, it can be enough to make your
head spin, and your wallet shrink. While it's not okay to let kids have
free reign over your schedule (or your budget!), it's important to pay
attention to their changing interests and to encourage them to pursue
different things until they find what suits them.
While the outlet for your child's passion may change, the root of who
she is stays the same. Clearly, Sally has a passion for nature, and
through different experiences she will learn to use that passion to
stay relevant and current. As a fearless fish, you have to keep
reinventing yourself, changing with the times and with the places you
work and live, while holding on to the essential you. If your kids want
to pursue something, let them try for a year. Once the season is over,
if they want to move on, it's okay to let them. Forcing kids to stay
involved in something they don't care about will only smother the fire
in them that you're trying to stoke.
Know when to let go. It's
inevitable: You can't protect your kids from everything, and sooner or
later (and it's probably sooner!) they are going to be faced with a
challenge that will rock their world. Maybe a bully at school has made
Susie her new target, or Timmy didn't make the basketball team and all
his friends did. For kids, upsets like these are devastating. But they
are also perfect opportunities for them to learn how to overcome
obstacles by practicing the ABCs for fish out of water -- action,
belief, and courage.
Don't try to swoop in and make it all better. That may be the worst
thing you can do. Instead, help your child equip himself with the means
to solve his own problems. If Timmy didn't make the team, but you know
he's a talented artist, encourage him to get more involved in the
school's art program or sign him up for advanced art classes at the
local community college. Or help Susie boost her self-esteem and
confidence by enrolling her in a karate class or debate team; her bully
will move on when she learns that her victim can stand up for herself.
There's a great bonus that comes with striving to raise fearless kids:
In the process, you perfect and refine your own journey toward
fearlessness.
Parenting is as much about your growth and evolution as it is your
child's. As we teach, we learn. And there's no richer or more rewarding
path than learning how to cast aside our fear and be true to ourselves.
Living an authentic life successfully is fulfilling beyond words -- and
an opportunity that no child should go without.
Copyright ©2009 Robin Fisher-Roffer author of The
Fearless Fish Out of Water: How To Succeed When You're The Only One
Like You
Robin Fisher Roffer, author of The Fearless Fish Out of
Water: How To Succeed When You're The Only One Like You,
is CEO of Big Fish Marketing, one of the entertainment industry's
preeminent brand marketing and digital advertising agen-cies, with
clients such as A&E, Bravo, CNN, Comedy Central, FX, MTV, NBC
Universal, and Sony Pictures. For more information, please visit fearlessfishoutofwater.com
and www.robinfisherroffer.com.